Primer Breath Spray is Mint, Deadly

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The good folks at are always trying to come up with new ways to add caffeine to our lives. From showershock (caffeinated soap), to caffeinated sunflower seeds, there’s nothing that these guys won’t add caffeine to. Their newest product designed to sharpen our minds and rot our bodies is called “Primer Caffeinated Breath Spray”. I’m not so bothered by the fact that it is caffeinated… my issue is how caffeinated it is. Each spray contains a whopping 33 mg. of caffeine. Three sprays of this stuff can deliver more caffeine into your veins than an energy drink. Decide to down a whole 8 ml. container in one sitting? You’ve just consumed 1400 mg of caffeine. Now, 1400 mg. might sound like a lot to people, but not to me. My breakfast consists of a handful of coffee grounds chased with espresso, followed by a shower where I gnaw on a bar of showershock while I rub another bar all over myself for an hour or so. I just drink Primer to calm me down a little at night. Also, I haven’t slept since 1997.

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