Stanley Hudson as Doc Louis

Actor, Leslie David Baker (Stanley Hudson from the hit show, The Office), confirmed today that he will be playing Doc Louis in ‘Punch-Out!!’. A movie based on the critically-acclaimed Nintendo Entertainment System game, 1987′s very own, Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!. Get Excited.

Okay. I lied. I am a liar. My girlfriend says that I lie to get attention, but my mom knows that is a lie and says I do it so that people think I have a girlfriend. But damn, that guy looks like Doc Louis, doesn’t he? Ya he does. Don’t question it. On another note: I’m accepting non-imaginary girlfriend applications. Use the contact form to apply, Ladies ;) .



Wind-it Turbine

Electrical transmission towers, those ugly monuments to our reliance on electricity, have been long overdue for an upgrade.  As a part of Metropolis Magazine’s Next Generation Contest, designed to drum up innovative ideas to “fix our energy addiction”, a trio of French designers came up with the Wind-It.  The basic idea is to install these turbines inside of the existing transmission towers.  This would allow for the turbines to pump the energy directly into the existing grid without further construction, and reduce the construction costs associated with turbine production.

It is estimated that the installation of such devices could deliver 5% of France’s power needs.  This statistic may not seem that impressive, and really, it isn’t.  France is a backwards hellhole that just recently discovered the magic of soap.  I think they might still be a few years away from finding out about OLED televisions, and e-Ink watches.  The annual power consumption for France barely measures up to what Vegas burns through in a weekend (and a slow weekend at that).

Although wind power might be all the rage, and “going green” is all the new buzzword for corporate America, I’m still not sold on the idea.  I still associate wind power with Storm from the X-Men, and “going green” as a suitable replacement for for “I think I’m gunna puke”.   I say keep burning coal, and let our kids deal with it.  It’s a lot easier that way for everyone… except them.  They’re pretty screwed anyway.



E-Ink Watch

I’ve written a little about e-Ink watches in the past and one of my favorite makers of these nerdtastic timepieces, Phosphor, just released a new line of watches.  Their old line, featured here, was slick but lacked the kind of polish demonstrated in their latest designs.  These will still induce the same kind of nerdgasms experienced from the older models, but now allow them to be worn in social situations (outside of your weekly Dungeons and Dragons meetings… and your Magic the Gathering games… and your Pokemon club) without any awkwardness that usually accompanies nerdware.

With prices starting at $175, these watches are priced competitively with their non-e-Ink bretheren.  They come with your choice of leather, rubber, or stainless steel band.



Motorola Nest

Motorola hasn’t had a hit phone since the Razr debuted back in 1983 (or at least it feels like that long ago).  The Razr was what people wanted; it was slim, innovative, had a decent camera for the time, and sported a great display.  Rather than improving upon that concept with new phones, they kept re-releasing the Razr with new features such as MP3 capability, or a mother-approved pink case.  This decision nearly bankrupted the once-prominent manufacturer.

Motorola is once again trying to reinvent itself as a bleeding-edge (no Razr pun intended) phone manufacturer.  Say hello to the Nest.  Motorola is now banking on a demand for phones that are outlandishly asymmetrical.  Although still in R&D, this ridiculous concept is appararently going to be put into mass production.  People are expecting it to boast an OLED display and… other… things.  I think.  It might even make phone calls!

I wish Motorola the best of luck in getting this thing out the door.  And by that, I mean that it’s never going to happen, and I’m not even sure why I’m wasting my time writing about this vaporware cell phone.



Touch Screen Blender

Beloved blender manufacturer Oster is bringing to market an entirely unnecessary upgrade to their line of blenders.  Say hello to the Oster Blender with eLume Touchscreen!  If all of those unsightly buttons and knobs on your current blender are an eyesore in your sleek, modern, touchable kitchen then Oster has some fantastic news for you.  If you enjoy your current blender and inhabit a dingy hovel, then you have another thing to make fun of!

“This Oster® blender with eLume™ touchscreen technology features an all-metal drive system for lasting durability. Its revolutionary ice crusher blade pulverizes ice and frozen fruit for thoroughly smooth drinks and concoctions. The 6-cup dishwasher-safe glass jar is thermal shock tested to withstand temperature changes and its 2-ounce filler cap doubles as an instant measuring cup.”

Translation:  It’s a blender.  At $70, I’m also guessing it’s not that great of a blender.  I’m not even sure that it could perform the function I thought it would when I first heard about it: touchscreen blending.  I’d much rather have a blender capable of blending something with a touchscreen, than actually having a touch screen on my blender.  I know that touch screens are the new hotness, but just because they sell phones doesn’t mean they’re going to sell blenders.  If I may give one word of advice to Oster, it would be this:  Stop.



Miracle Berry

Everyone’s favorite proprietor of things geeky, Thinkgeek, is now peddling a unique kind of ware.  It goes by the name of Miracle Berry Fruit Tablets, and it is purported to cause things that taste sour or bitter to seem sweet.  This product has caused geeks around the world to engage in things they’re calling “flavor tripping parties”.  In these “parties”, a brood of pasty-faced, translucent-skinned geeks gather in some dank basement, consume this “miracle berry”, and proceed to eat things like lemons and spinach.

As creepy exciting as these parties sound, I think this product lends iself to a much more sinsiter purpose: confusing toddlers.  We’ve all seen the videos of babies eating lemons, now imagine feeding them miracle berry before you feed them lemons for the first time.  Then, give them the ‘ole bait and switch, by feeding them lemons without miracle berry (results will be similar to those in the video above).  Then give them miracle berry and lemons twice, and then lemons without miracle berry.  You may even want to try this with other foods just to cause as much mental anguish as possible, and to teach your kids at an early age that people cannot be trusted…. and food is to be feared.  A few years of this, and voila!  You will will have a distrustful anorexic basketcase.

These things will set you back $15 + S&H for a pack of 10 tablets.  A serving size is 1/2 of a tablet, so these little flavor trips will end up costing you about $1 per experience.  Documented side effects include: Skin failure, hive mind, sissyness, palmbeard, and pinebreath.



Tentacle Grape

Sick bastards everywhere rejoyce!  “Mnemosyne LLC” has heard your cry, and has delivered to you a soda catered to your sick fetishes “unique tastes”.  Tentacle Grape is here to grape you right in the throat.  It’s a delicious blend of grape soda, and tentacle rape.  I reccommend ingesting it while using the uber-popular tentacle arm for maximum creepiness.

Mnemosyne is marketing the beverage as the “most delicious hentai soda on the market”.  This causes me to be concerned for several different reasons.  First off, there is a market for hentai sodas.  This should be enough to cause most stable-minded individuals to be slightly uncomfortable.  Second, this means that the other hentai sodas are less delicious than “tentacle grape”.  What could possibly be less appealing than grape soda and tentacles?  Is someone out there manufacturing “Creepy Old Man Orange” or “Gangbang Green Apple”?  All I know is that I wouldn’t want any such thing anywhere near my mouth.

Hentai-lovers are apparently not the thriftiest people in the world.  The soda is now available for pre-order, and the cost is slightly above the average for soda.  At $15.99 per six pack, this had better be the best damned rape grape soda I’ve ever tasted.  You can buy a six pack yourself here.  But keep in mind, I’ll be judging you the whole time… sicko.


Bottle Shock

China’s burgeoning wine industry is now looking into technology that would allow them to artificially age wine, cutting a 20 year process of complex chemical reactions down to a 3 minute spin in some machine.  The process involves running “rough wine”, also known as “undrinkable swill” through a pipe that runs through a pair of titanium diodes connected to electrical mains.  The result is supposed to be a more balanced, less acidic, seemingly aged wine.

Surprisingly, the results thus far have been encouraging.  In blind tastings, with supposed “wine experts“, the shock-therapy batch of wine has consistently been rated higher than it’s untreated brethren.  “Wine experts” trying a 3-month old Cabernet Sauvignon from China’s largest winery came to this conclusion:

“With the gentlest treatment, the harsh, astringent wine grew softer. Longer exposure saw some of the hallmarks of ageing emerge – a more mature “nose”, better balance and greater complexity.  The improvements reached their peak after 3 minutes at 600 volts per centimetre: this left the wine well balanced and harmonious, with a nose of an aged wine and, importantly, still recognisably a Cabernet Sauvignon.”

I still remain skeptical.  Mostly because the inventor of the process, and it’s primary champion still is “cannot yet explain how exposure to an electric field alters the wine’s chemistry”.  I have a suspicion that the wine angle is just a cover-up, and the Chinese government is really trying to find a way to make their children seem older.  Think about the possibilities!  Run a 10 year old girl through a pipe with some electrodes in it for a few seconds, and all of a sudden you have a gymnast that seems, to”experts”, to be at least 16 years old.  They’d be able to take over the world!