Oh, but you are. You are, indeed. But please, make an attempt to mask this very apparent fact. These breath mints have a huge label that declares, “I’m not a douche.” So, at least with these, you can
unsuccessfully convince those in the immediate vicinity that you are not one. Merch Bot is selling them for $2.75. From the product site:
The peppermint flavor will soothe you while the large print on the box, of course in public view, will set all those confused accusers straight.
I get called a douche all the time. Just read some of the articles on Swongled, and you can understand why. Now that I carry around these pretentious tabs of sugar, I think I get called, “douche,” even more. I guess that is the great irony of publicly declaring your non-douchness – it is clearly an act that can only be performed by a true douche. That makes these things almost as clever as the “You’re a douche” mints that I sell – they are guaranteed to get you punched in the face at least once.